Entry #3 - 3/13/14

In my last real post I basically spelled out everything that's wrong. 

I have a medical condition that won't allow me to work and I will have to get surgery. 

I am currently unemployed yet still a student (online, of course). 

And I want to stay current in my career aspirations.

Well, needles to say I feel limited. 

I can't over exert myself and I can't do too much or brings an onset of some of the worst pain I've ever experienced. And if any of you readers know me it's not so easy for me to just "slow down" or "take it easy."

I don't know how many time I've been told those two phrases.. And by many loved ones. My parents, boyfriend, teachers, coworkers, bosses, friends... 

And let me just tell you right now - I hate it. 

Honestly, if another person tells me to "slow down" one more time - I'll scream.  

I don't like slowing down. I don't like taking it easy. And I don't like doing what everyone else is and has been doing. 

There's a reason why I decided to be a performer and ever since I came to that decision it's influenced every other aspect of my life. In school I didn't go out or hang out with friends because I was in rehearsals. After graduation I decided that community college was the best way to go because I knew I would have to work full time and perform - and I didn't want to work at McDonald's or QT. I wanted to do something that I knew I could excel at and that would train me further in not only the real world but teach me about working, responsibilities and being an adult. 

The day after graduation I started working at a private business hotel. And after two and a half years I was sick of it. I realized that the corporate world was not for me. As much as I liked the idea of assisting and serving others, it just wasn't my passion or what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. 

So I left and started pursuing another career, event planning and coordinating - and I loved every minute of it. From the initial client contact all the way to the final photos from the photographer. I knew that I could make a career out of event planning, but unfortunately the physicality and stress of it all tore me apart. 

Lifting anything over ten pounds was terrifying. Having to lean, bend or stand for any lengthy amount of time was a nightmare. And if there was more than one event going on there was no way I was going to be able to relax during the day. 

I had no clue what was wrong with me. Here I was, a young 20 something and I was exhausted, always feeling tense and the pain that coursed through my body on a daily basis was unbearable. Something was obviously wrong. 

It felt like every night my body would quit and every morning I didn't want to move out of bed. 

And now even though I can't do very much (Dr.'s orders) the pain is still there. Not nearly as strong or as crippling, but the aches, tingles and numbness increase. 

And it scares the weft living day lights out of me. 

A part of me wants to work just so I have something else to take my mind off of it all. To worry about deadlines or job responsibilities and not when my next doctors appointment would be or what pain medication would actually work. 

I want to live. I want to run away from the fear of breaking in half and just enjoy this time of so-called relaxation. Because I know that for the first time in my life I don't have to worry about anything. 

I'm being taken care of and it's mind-blowing. 

Between my boyfriend and my parents they have made sure that the only thing I really have to concern myself with is my health and my school work and it's a glorious thing. 

So, why can't I just enjoy this time to do nothing? To not worry about the world and focus on myself? Or on everything that I wanted to do but never had the time or energy to? 

I'm overwhelmed by the possibilities and I'm terrified of it all.